Based on all the glittery holiday posts I’ve been reading, I think I’m supposed to be frying up crisp latkes, baking elaborate cookies, and constructing gingerbread houses that would make Martha Stewart gasp. I feel guilty that I haven’t. In fact, I let Thanksgiving go by without so much as a glimpse of turkey, pumpkin pie, or me in my sexy pilgrim hat. Instead I posted a photo of salt.
I can explain Thanksgiving—God canceled it. Or rather, my mom went to a church dinner that night, my bored brother fell asleep in the church basement (God wasn’t serving booze), and I stayed comfortably at home and dined on gnocchi with fried Spanish Chorizo sausage and roasted red peppers. That’s not Thanksgiving, that’s a pleasant evening in November.
The problem with the holidays is my waistline (barely visible, but it’s there somewhere). If I started gifting pinwheel cookies and peanut butter fudge weeks in advance of Christmas, my belly would inch across the state line into Wisconsin and, after I was done sampling the cheesecakes, force its jolly jiggly way into Canada. That’s a terrible gift for a neighbor. How do thin food bloggers do it? Willpower? Photoshop Svelte Me plug-in? Amphetamines? Elaborate restraint system using a cooperative family? That’s what I’d do if I had obedient family members.
“Mommy’s making truffles again. She says get the non-itchy rope this time.”
By the time I post any useful Christmas ideas, you probably won’t need it. So as weak compensation, here are two pictures of a squirrel doing exactly what I plan to do Christmas night: grab food twice the size of my head, bury my teeth in it, and let the crumbs fly. For all who celebrate, I hope you do the same. There are many starving people in the world who can’t, so for them, please donate to the Menu For Hope III campaign and maybe win a cool prize for yourself. It has been an honor to participate in something that not only helps the world’s hungry but brings back the joys of childhood again with all its greed for sparkly, shiny, awesome stuff. You know you want stuff too! Go for it! December 22 is the last day to participate.
Now take a good look at the two photographs above. Do you notice anything that seems out of place, maybe even unnatural? That’s right sharp-eyed readers—that tubby squirrel doesn’t have a visible waistline. The squirrel gut has left the country. See what happens when you start the gluttony early?
I’m so sorry, Canada. If you regift, send it to France. I still haven’t forgiven them for éclairs.